Stacii Jae Johnson on the line most couples can't see

Before Dr. Stacii Jae Johnson will let you call it a friendship, she has some questions about your work husband. The bestselling author, relationship coach, and founder of I Want a Good Man University has spent years helping women understand where the line actually is, long before they cross it. Now, as the anchor of OWN’s new series “Put a Ring on It, Cheat Hab,” premiering July 31, she is applying that same lens to three couples navigating the aftermath of real infidelity. She sat down with host Portia Monique to talk about the cheating nobody names and the love that might still survive it.

What separates ‘Cheat Hab’ from traditional couples therapy?

Infidelity and money are the two things that usually break couples up. About 55, 60%, leaning toward 70, of relationships have to deal with trust being broken because of infidelity. And infidelity is not just physical.

It’s emotional cheating as well. When you have those work husbands and you’re divulging information about your relationship in long nights at work, that sometimes develops into emotional cheating that women have a problem processing as actual cheating, when you’re leaning into a man in ways that your man at home should be connected with in your life. The viewers will not be disappointed at all.

What actually constitutes cheating in a relationship?

It is when you are having conversations outside of your relationship that you should be having inside your relationship. It may not be anything sexual. It may not be anything that would challenge the relationship. But if this is a level of intimacy that you are inviting someone into that should be a significant other, then that is emotional cheating.

And the challenge, especially for women, when a man leans in and allows himself to be open to dialogue that should be diverted to your partner, what does that do to a woman’s psychological makeup? That means this is a guy I can lean into in ways I can’t even lean into with my partner. As a woman, what do we start considering? Maybe this is the guy for me. And then it starts to develop.

These couples aren’t just discussing infidelity. They’re dating former flings. Tell us about that.

What I love about Cheat Hab is you get the opportunity most people don’t get. You get to sit, date, talk to, dine, wine, laugh with all the things with your partner knowing that that is what you’re doing. And what’s so juicy is everyone is dating. The women are going out on dates. Usually when a partner steps out and cheats, the other person is at home.

Nobody’s dating. But this is an opportunity while you’re considering the challenges that infidelity has introduced. I’m out here dating too, honey. How does that feel? It gives both the men and the women, because both are cheaters, the opportunity to lean in on exactly how that feels.

What can confronting temptation reveal that conversation alone cannot?

These couples are sitting across from people who have been the temptress or temptor in their relationship. These are some of the most courageous people I have ever seen in my life. Someone online said this can’t be real. I was there. It’s real. Your minds will be blown because you can’t tell what you would do until you’re in it. I get chills because it was a hard process for me, knowing what happened the day before and helping both the men and the women work through their truth, their radical honesty. It’s very challenging. It’s a lot of crying. And it’s a lot for me to sit across from.

In the premiere, we see a side piece who believed she was actually the girlfriend. What does that moment teach us?

I don’t want to rush to judgment because I do know both people are cheating. You don’t know in episode one what the other partner was doing. Before you pass judgment on that part of the trailer, they’re buying up to the journey that Mimi has put Joshua on. Keep watching.

When both partners are cheating, how do you prevent the relationship from becoming a competition?

The only ménage à trois I agree with is what I call the three part relationship. It’s you, your partner, and then the relationship you build. I dealt with the individual identity of each person, because who you identify as in this world will always beat what you do to you. What do you want to represent in this world? What are you standing 10 toes down with? If you don’t deal with the identity of each person, this is doomed. We have to work on our individual selves to bring the best part to our partner and into this third. I’m building people, I’m building spirits, I’m building self. And when we build self, we can be better.

Can forgiveness exist before the trust has been restored?

Forgiveness is not possible before the trust is rebuilt. First, the individual has to forgive themselves for being open to stay engaged to see if the relationship can be rebuilt. Self has to be first, and then trust can be rebuilt, so that forgiveness with a partner can follow.

What are the clearest signs that trust is genuinely being rebuilt?

The person who cheated has to know it is a process for the person who was not cheating. You can’t tell a person when they should be ready to move forward. And for the other person, you have to be reasonable and not allow yourself to villainize the cheating so much that it’s still part of your conversation two, three years later. Even the person who cheated is a human being that made a very challenging choice.

Now, there are some people just for the streets. But I’m talking about a good man or a good woman who made a bad decision for the person they said they were going to be in their lives. For the streets, let that go. The one for the streets always presents themselves as a good man.

What do you hope viewers take away about choosing peace, even when it doesn’t save the relationship?

I’ve had clients together for 25 years that still found ways to rebuild their relationships, and even better. Any challenge within your relationship, if you want the long term, we can find it. You can feel emotionally safe after that level of betrayal. It will take time and a process of rebuilding, but it can happen. And in every situation I’ve worked with, it’s been restored better. It depends on what each person wants to do and, honestly, how deep the love for the other person is.